catzycradle's dad

Don't wish to bore anyone,but after having supraventricular tachycardia, (SVT), for over twenty years,that's an intermittent high heart rate..200 to 300 bpm in my case, which is rather painful to say the least, I accidentally found out a vagal technique which my doctor had never heard of and subsequently Google also has no mention of...which normalises my heartrate almost immediately.
If it will help anyone just let me know. I think I'll call it the Rees Technique

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure . I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
..........
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order
the "Chicken
Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded
cast iron
pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the
pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes
looking around
before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see
that?" she asks
her
husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two
little eyes

looking around
before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the
waiter over, explains
what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

You're going to love this..................

You're going to hate yourself for loving this!

"Ah! So solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking
Duck!"

Toilet Plunger
Caution: Do not use near power lines.

Little Ones Baby Lotion
Keep away from children

Hair Coloring
Do not use as an ice cream topping.

Wet-Nap
Directions: Tear open packet and use.

Stridex Foaming Face Wash
May contain foam.

Chainsaw
Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.

Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

Bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

Hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.

Zantac 75
Do not take if allergic to zantac.

Sleeping Pills
Warning: May cause Drowsiness

Christmas Lights
Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only.

Bic Lighter
Ignite lighter away from face.

Komatsu Floodlight
This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark

Earplugs
These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe

Mattress
Warning: Do not attempt to swallow

Matches
Caution: Contents may catch fire.

Pepper Spray
Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.

Auto-Shade Widnshield Visor
Warning: Do not drive with sunshade in place. Remove from windshield before starting ignition.

Fix-a-Flat
WARNING: Do not weld can to rim.

Rain Gauge
Suitable for outdoor use.

RCA Television Remote Control
Not Dishwasher Safe

Pine Mountain Fire Logs
Caution: Risk of fir

Road Sign
Caution water on road during rain.

Camera
This camera will only work when film is inside.

Road Sign
Cemetery Road. Dead End

Church Parking Lot Sign
Thou shalt not park

Children's Superman Costume
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Silk Soy Milk
Shake well and buy often

Air Conditioner
Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows.

Rowenta Iron
Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.

Slush Puppy Cup
This ice may be cold

American Airlines Peanuts
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

Nabisco Easy Cheese
For best results, remove cap.

Swanson TV Dinners
This product must be cooked before eating.

Hershey's Almond Bar
Warning: May contain traces of nuts

Heinz Ketchup
Instructions: Put on food.

Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

String of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children

Helmet mounted mirror used by us cyclists:
Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you

New Zealand insect spray:
This product not tested on animals.

Blanket from taiwan:
not to be used as protection from a tornado

Cardboard windshield sun shade:
Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place.

Bottle of shampoo for dogs
Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.

Curling Iron
Warning: This product can burn eyes.

Hair Dryer
Do not use in shower.

Hand-held Massaging Device
Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.

A toilet at a public sports facility
Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.

Pair of shin guards made for bicyclists
Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.

Container of Underarm Deodorant.
Caution: Do not spray in eyes.

Aim-n-Flame fireplace lighter.
Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks.

Toner cartridge for a laser printer
Do not eat toner.

13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow
Not intended for highway use.

Can of self-defense pepper spray.
May irritate eyes.

Novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock"
Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.

A frisbee
Warning: May contain small parts.

A toilet bowl cleaning brush.
Do not use orally.

A birthday card for a 1 year old.
Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.

Heated seat cushion
Warning: Do not use on eyes.

Infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.

Package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.

Strange woman

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?'' '
'This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''
The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''
The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.
She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,
"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me

And there you are,

sitting on your ass,

at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, despite having had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to
safety. Unfortunately for the blonde, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. Her head is battered against the ground, mere moments away from unconsciousness when...
Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon , Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U

Q. What is the fibula
A.. A small lie

Q. What does "varicose" mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean section"
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word "benign" mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME

The Moth

A man goes into a dentists, and keeps running in circles, flapping his arms.
The dentist says, excuse me, what are you doing ?
The man says, I'm a moth, I'm a moth.
The dentist says, but this is a dental surgery.
The man keeps on running in circles, flapping his arms, saying, I'm a moth, I'm a moth.
The dentist says, do you have any problems with your teeth ?
I'm a moth, I'm a moth, says the man.
The dentist says, then why are you here ?
The man replies, you left your light on

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the audience for total quiet.
Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd, pierces the silence.............
"Well, f**ing stop doin it then!"

blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The life like cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer.

HELLLLLLO, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied

Question

Q: What do you call a fly without legs?
A: A walk!

And

Q: What do you call a dead bee?
A: A was.

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

An atheist was walking through the woods... when he stopped and thought: "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!"
Then, as he was walking along the riv er, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him! He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He ran faster when he looked over his shoulder again, and saw that the bear was even closer! He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of
him... reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped!
The bear froze...
And the forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky...
"You deny my existence for all these years... and try to teach others I don't exist... and even credit creation to a cosmic accident? Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to now count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the ligh t, "Well, it would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now... but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said God.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed...
And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house.
He said that's fine with me.

She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.

She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: That's fine with me...Put me down for Fridays..

A man and a woman meet at a bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.
Suddenly, they hear a noise at the door and the woman says, "Quick, my husband is home. Go hide in the bathroom!"
The husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.
The woman smiles and says coyly, "Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready!"
"Okay," the husband replies, "I'll be back in a minute."
Before his wife can stop him, he goes into the bathroom and sees the naked man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the hell are you!" the husband asks.
"I'm from the extermination company. Your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having trouble with."
The husband, getting angrier by the moment, exclaims, "Then why you are naked!"
The man then looks down at himself and exclaims, "Those little bastards!"

A Welshman and a Scotsman
An Welshman and a Scotsman were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the Scotsman says to the Welshman, "If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
"The Welshman crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."

A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did
you spend?' To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check.
'Dere's no charge,' he says.
'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am, Bubba says, 'it didn't cost me a thing'.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So, I just switched the heads.'

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.'
Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ralph.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....
'Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed!'

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

I rear ended a car this morning...
I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy".
I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's when the fight started!!!

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Two Australian builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?
Phil: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Phil: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that then?
Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: - Nope.
Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker.

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six"

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read :
"The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.............

"F**k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.-- Alan, age 10 (true sports fan)
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.-- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.-- Camille, age 10
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.-- Freddie, age 6.

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8 (so true)

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day! I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich.-- Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.-- Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1 ) It's better for girls to be single but not boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.-- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is....HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.-- Ricky, age 10 (future diplomat)

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly Jesus was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, Jesus said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than ever.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
JESUS SAVES.

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, ' Grandma, what 's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ' It's called sexual intercourse, darling. '
Little Tony said, ' Oh, OK, ' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ' Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mum wants to talk to you. '

What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
--or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next week.

A scientist was successful in cloning himself, and was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists at a meeting on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.

“My fellow scientists,” he began.

Before he could utter another word, the clone jumped up and shouted, “he’s a *&^^%*@)&!”.

Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again, “My fellow scientists …”

Again the clone sprang to his feet. He yelled, “This dumb *%@(&+*! couldn’t produce a copy on a Xerox. He’s a fraudulent *$3%$#*#+=!”

Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out the window. The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. 

A short while later New York’s finest arrived and the events that had transpired were explained to them.

The police lieutenant said to the scientist, “We are going to have to arrest you.”

“For what? You can’t arrest me for killing my own clone!” The attending scientists nodded in agreement.

The lieutenant thought for a moment and ordered the scientist held for … Making an Obscene Clone Fall.

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large,
beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you
first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution
and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this , but decided she had to have
the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living
room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,

"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then
thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird
saw and said,

"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began
to laugh about the situation considering how and where the
parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from
work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Keith"

One fine day, Freddie the moth was flying around minding his own business when he espied a tramp sitting down, back against the wall. "Hello" said Freddie to the tramp.."My God, a talking moth" the tramp said. "That’s not all", said Freddie. "I can eat anything too". "Go on then" said the tramp, "eat that mattress over there". In one gulp the moth had totally devoured the mattress, springs and all.
"That’s totally amazing" said the tramp. "A talking, all eating moth". The tramp and the moth decided they should become partners and earn some money. They did this by entering talent contests up and down the country, people throwing things on to the stage and Freddie eating everything.
Everything was going fine, and then one day they saw a flyer of a challenge from a Chinese eating yak, in, you guessed it, China. They decided to accept this challenge and arrangements were made via their manager to fly to China and compete with the yak.
Off they flew, landed in China, and bedded down for the night in the best hotel until the next day, the day of the contest.
The eating contest was about to begin. It took place at a riverside where thousands of people from Scotland,(sorry Trev,) were sitting on the riverbank with their feet dangling in the water. They were on one side and the Chinese were on the other.
The contest began. The Chinese eating yak ate a book, Freddie ate a book. The yak ate a frying pan, Freddie ate a saucepan. The yak ate a bicycle, Freddie ate a sidecar. The yak ate a Chinese Transit van, then disaster struck....Freddie developed hiccups...couldn’t eat another thing, the yak then winning the contest.
The contest now over, Freddie flew over the long line of people still sitting at the riverbank...Up and down he flew until he came to his friend the tramp.
Freddie looked down at the tramp, the tramp looked up at Freddie. Freddy saw how despondent his friend was and felt absolutely terrible that he’d let them all down. All of a sudden big tears formed from Freddie the moth’s eyes..and that’s when they invented mothbawls.
I’m gonna hide now.hee hee.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you lend someone £20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world."

Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger."

A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous."

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side."

"Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep."

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself."

"Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked."

"Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it."

Isn't it funny,(oh, hilarious),when you realise how old you really are..it suddenly dawns on you that you're approaching sixty bodywise even if your mind is still in it's thirties....how fair is that? I'm not being morbid here, just realistic....If I should be lucky enough to live,till,say,seventy eight, then that leaves me with nineteen years left on this planet...It's just a mortality realisation. Does this happen to everybody I wonder.
I've spent my thirty five year working life meeting thousands of people as a field service engineer for the then Radio Rentals, repairing tv's and videos etc..so when I retired at fifty three I was suddenly cut off from the usual rapport I had with my customers.....That was a shock to the system, not being needed anymore..
Thanks to my daughter,Cathy, (catzycradle),it's only now after six years retirement that I've started meeting some lovely new people through this blog site..This to me is truly wonderful,so thanks guys,it's a real pleasure to meet you and talk to you all.
So "chink" with the coffee cup guys.

Oh no!! I have to go to Asda again today...note to self..don't touch anything...if you do, know exactly where the exit is hee hee.
Anybody want to come along?

Is it a set up? Is it me getting clumsy in my old age?...Nah,has to be a set up. A trip to Dunelm to pick up some material. Material on a roller affair high up. A gentle tug on said material, the roller goes into warp factor nine and I'm left holding about fifty metres of the damn stuff and unable to reach up to stop it...It could be retribution for setting off all the toy battery, all singing all dancing turkeys they were selling before Christmas, well you just have to don't you? It's the law It's sooo funny.
Asda had the pleasure of my company later on, when, choosing a large carton of yogurt (from the back of course,) I managed to knock the front one off the shelf (or it could have been yogicide). Yes of course the lid came off...the mess was amazing...I looked at Gill...She looked at me...Both had the same idea...Run Away!!
On my own in Morrisons yesterday, have developed a craving for tomato juice with tabasco sauce, a lot of tabasco sauce...can't believe I did the same thing, went to check how much was in the large cartons,which turned out to be not as much after hitting the floor to the dreaded sounds of "glug glug glug".Don't know which was redder,the tomato juice or me..I was through that checkout in record time..Getting extremely good at this "run away" busines.
I don't think I'm the only one though as I heard of somebody walking around Asda with a leaky bag of sugar and a voice over the customer anouncement system said "Will the person who's leaving a trail of sugar please stand still while we follow that trail and find you".
I'm going to W.H. Smith today...very carefully.

One fine morning, Mama Bee and Papa Bunny looked out of their little warren window at their kids playing in the meadow garden.
“Do you know?” commented Papa Bunny, “Our little girl Bronnie is really sassy, and I wonder where she gets it from.”
“Don’t even think about going there Wabbit !” Warned Mama Bee, smiling.
“Touch, you’re on it!” said Bronnie to Morgy.
“I’m fed up with this game Bronz,” Morgy replied.
“You would say that Morgy, just cos I’m winning,” Said Bronnie.
“Let’s think of a new game”, Nye chimed in, Griff and Rhys agreeing, Rhys saying his usual “Week week.”
“Thinking isn’t your strong suit, now is it?” Said Bronnie.
“Alright Princess Pushy, you think of something,” Nye said, rather bravely.
“Now, don’t let you minds wander,” retorted Bronny, “They’re far too small to be let out on their own.”
“I’m the Princess and I’ll decide what we’ll play,” Continued Bronnie.
“Awwww alright,”The boys conceded, “What’s it gonna be then?”.
“We’ll play rescuing moggies from the top of trees,” Said Bronnie.
“Bronnie,” said Morgy, “Of all the dumb ideas you’ve ever had, this has to be the dumbest.”
A short way from the warren they all stood under the tallest, widest, most frightening tree that Bronnie could find.
“This is the one,” She said, “Get climbing you lot.”
“Aww, do we have to?” they chorused, knowing that Bronnie always had her own way.
Up and up they climbed through the branches to nearly the top of the tree, where they stopped and looked down at Bronnie safely on the ground.
“ Yikes!” Shouted Morgy, “You’re a long way down Bronz.”
“ Not really,” Quipped Bronny, “You’re a long way up, hee hee,” a very amused Bronny fell about laughing. “ I didn’t think you’d really do it.”
“HELP!” They all shrieked “We’re stuck, we can’t move.”
Bronny having had her fun tried to think of a way to get them down, but had to have a last dig at her brothers, “Have you saved the moggie stuck up the tree?”
“I’t’s a shame there’s no vaccine against stupidity!” Retorted Morgy, “Now get some help, quick.”
“Alright you guys, hang on, hee hee,” she shouted up to them.
A few minutes later, Attila the hen was passing by,
“What’s up?” asked Attila.
“ My stupid brothers, this oak tree. Can you fly up and get them down?”
“ Let me check my flight schedule for today,” Replied Attila, “Erm, no, not in this lifetime it would seem. Bronny, this was one of your dumb ideas wasn’t it?” Attila said, “How about half a dozen fresh eggs instead?”
“ Get lost sarky feathers,” retorted Bronny, ”I want to get them down, not make them an omelette.”
The spaniel from the next meadow came sniffing around the tree, “Yo Bronz dude,” He said, “Where are your dude brothers?”
Would you believe they are up there, Daniel, you couldn’t just nip up and get them down for me could you.
Daniel the spaniel rolled on his back with laughter and said “Bronny, this an excellent time for you to become a missing bunny, before the wrinklies find out.”
“Well beat it bone features, I have to find somebody to help.” Said a worried Bronny.
Daniel left, highly amused at Bronnie’s plight. Bronnie shouted up to her frightened brothers “How are you guys doing up there?”
“Oh, we’re just hanging around, get us down quick before we fall,” Replied Morgy.
“Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!” wailed little Rhys.
“You’re gonna be so grounded when Mama finds out.” shouted Griff to a very worried Bronny.
As luck would have it, the squirrel family came to see what all the commotion was about.
“Strike me pink, what strife have you got yourself into this time Bronny me ol’ Sheila ?” Asked Cyril the squirrel.
“It’s my brothers, Cyril, can you get them down, and they’re stuck.” Bronny begged.
“Yeah, no worries, girlie, said Cyril, suspiciously sounding like he watched a lot of ‘Home And Away’.
“Come on me cobbas, let’s get these bunnies down quick smart.” Said Cyril in his phoney Australian accent.
Up the tree the squirrel family scampered and slowly led the bunnies down to safety.
“Thanks Cyril,” Said a very relieved Bronny.
“No worries Bronz,” replied Cyril, “Our pleasure.”
The four brothers were still shaking with fright from their latest experience.
“You guys ok?” Asked a sheepish Bronny.
“No thanks to your stupid ideas.” They replied.
“You won’t tell Mama or Papa about this will you?” She begged.
“Nahh, we’ll just chalk it up to experience as your dumbest idea to date.” Said Morgy. “Let’s go home for lunch you guys.”
“Good plan,” They all agreed, and off they set.
“So what have you kids been up to today?” asked Mama Bee.
“‘Up to’ being the operative word,” Giggled Bronny .
“Just hanging around, branching out so to speak.” Chuckled Morgy, seeing the funny side of it now.
Mama went into the little kitchen to get the roasted nuts for the hungry bunnies.
“Pick any nice acorns while you were up there?” Asked Papa Bunny.
“No, we were too busy trying to hang…..oops,” Said Nye, putting his paw in it again.
“I was talking to Cyril earlier,” Said Papa, “He told me all about it.”
“Nothing to do with me, Papa.” Lied Bronny.
“Of course not Princess,” Papa said, with a gleam in his eye. “Never crossed my mind.”
“What never crossed your mind,Wabbit?” asked Mama .
“Oh, nothing darling.” Papa Bunny said.
“No change there then.” Mama smiled.

THE END.

Problem as Reported: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Service Response: Evidence removed.

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Problem as Reported: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Service Response: Volume set to more believable level.

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Problem as Reported: Main tire on left inside almost needs replacement.
Service Response: Left inside tire almost replaced.

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Problem as Reported: No. 3 engine missing.
Service Response: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

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Problem as Reported: Mouse in cockpit.
Service Response: Cat installed.

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Problem as Reported: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Service Response: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

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Problem as Reported: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
Service Response: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

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Problem as Reported: Something loose in cockpit.
Service Response: Something tightened in cockpit.

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Problem as Reported: Dead bugs on windshield.
Service Response: Live bugs on backorder.

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Problem as Reported: Aircraft acting funny.
Service Response: Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, fly right, and be serious."

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Problem as Reported: IFF inoperative.
Service Response: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

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Problem as Reported: No. 2 ADF needle runs wild.
Service Response: Caught and tamed No. 2 ADF needle.

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Problem as Reported: Suspected crack in windsheild.
Service Response: Suspect you're right.

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Problem as Reported: Three roaches in cabin.
Service Response: Two roaches killed, one wounded and missing in action.

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Problem as Reported: Radar hums.
Service Response: Reprogrammed radar with words.

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Problem as Reported: The autopilot doesn't.
Service Response: It does now.

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Problem as Reported: Pilot's clock inoperative.
Service Response: Wound clock.

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Problem as Reported: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
Service Response: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

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Problem as Reported: Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Service Response: Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

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Problem as Reported: Unfamiliar noise coming from No. 2 engine.
Service Response: Ran engine for two hours. Noise now familiar.

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Problem as Reported: Noise coming from No. 2 engine. Sounds like a man with a little hammer.
Service Response: Took little hammer away from man in No. 2 engine.

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Problem as Reported: Whinney noise coming from No. 2 engine compartment.
Service Response: Returned little hammer to man in No. 2 engine.

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Problem as Reported: Weather radar went ape.
Service Response: Opened radar, let ape out.

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Problem as Reported: Whinning sound heard on engine shutdown.
Service Response: Pilot removed from aircraft.

Aviation Truisms

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
From an old carrier sailor
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, . the pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
and "OH SHIT!"
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.. I've got the
little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the
Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return
to the airport."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard
the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in
English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end
of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some
quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with
a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like
yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to
the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747
pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I
didn't land."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air
flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to
nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out
at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you
going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right
on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the
difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to
the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort
this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I
tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to
chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of
mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

__________________

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back....or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few women who did...

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my Sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a particular question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so, of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then, I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow -- but don't get any....a true story.

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

“Put some jam on my toast please my Buzzy Bee.” Papa Bunny asked his beloved Bee.
“Jeeves, Jeeves!” called Buzzy. “Oh, it must be the servant’s day off today, Wabbit.”
“Just testing.” Said Papa Bunny with a wicked smile.
“Test away Wabbit, preferably a long way away.” retorted Buzzy, laughing.
“I think we’ll take the kids for a picnic by the stream.” Said Papa Bunny.
“Not a bad idea, considering it’s one of yours Honey bunny.” Replied Buzzy. “I’ll get the kids ready.”
“Yeeeaaa!” the kids cried, “A picky.”
A little while later they all set off from their warren, through the leafy woodland, the sun shining through the trees onto seven excited faces.
“Now stay close to us.” Papa Bunny said to the children. “And no mischief today,O.K ?”
“Us, mischief?” Bronnie said, “As if.”
The stream was sparkling as it ran its course around the rocks, reflecting the green of the trees and the blue of the sky.
“Just here Wabbit, this looks a good spot.” Said Buzzy, spreading out the picnic blanket.
“Let’s go and explore.” Said Morgy.
“Good plan.” They all agreed.
“I’m the leader.” Bronny said.
“No surprise there.” The boys said.
“If I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you said Bronny, grinning.
“Just don’t go too close to the stream you guys, and don’t go too far away.” Papa Bunny warned them.
“Nah, we won’t.” They all agreed.
Off they hopped, following the stream so they wouldn’t get lost.
“I’ve an idea.” Bronny said.
“Oh no,” Said the boys, “Not another one of your dumb ideas.” They groaned.
“I think you mean brilliant ideas.” Said Bronny.
“Not.” Said Nye, hiding behind Morgy.
“We’ll make a small raft and go sailing.” Said Bronny, rubbing her paws together.
“Papa told us not to go near the stream.” Griff objected.
“Well, we won’t be so much near it as on it.” Bronny replied. “Go and find some sticks and some twine, and today I want to be called Captain Princess Bronny.” She said.
Very soon the boys had tied together some branches, big enough for all of them to float on.
“Cast off me hearties.” Captain Princess Bronny cried, and they all floated toward the middle of the stream.
“O.k. Captain Birdseye.” Morgy said quietly.
“I heard that, Morgy.” Bronny said. “You’re quite a wit. Well I was half right.”
Picking up speed, the raft floated down the stream.
“Bronz, I don’t suppose your brilliant idea included oars did it?” Asked Nye.
“Erm, no, actually.” Said Bronny. Well I can’t think of everything, can I?”
“So another brilliant idea bites the dust.” Said Griff, trying to steer the raft with his paws, rather unsuccessfully. Faster and faster the raft went, bouncing off rocks and spinning round and round. Griff and Rhys now feeling decidedly sick.
“Yikes!” Nye shouted.
“Hang on guys, there’s Maddy over there shouted Morgy
“Why did they call her that, is she mad?” asked Griff.
“Nah, I think it’s short for Madras ‘cos she’s a little otter.” Replied Morgy.
“Maddy, Maddy!” They all cried out. “We need some help here.”
“Hi guys.” Maddy said. “Another of Bronny’s brilliant ideas no doubt.” Said the otter, laughing.
“Weeek week weeeeekety!” shouted little Rhys.
“Guessed as much.” Said Maddy. “Hang on I’ll get Frogbert the frog to give us a leg so to speak.”
“Yo bunny dudes.” Greeted Frogbert. “Bronny had another brainwave perhaps?”
“Watch it frogboy, I’m already visualising duct tape over your mouth.
“You sound reasonable, Bronny, time to up my medication.” Said Frogbert, laughing.
“I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.” Replied Bronny, grinning, enjoying the banter with the frog, in spite of their situation on the raft.
“You leave Bronny alone, Frogbert, she may be stupid, but she’s our stupid sister.”
“Listen Morgy, if she were any more stupid, she’d have to be watered twice a week.”
“O.K. all joking aside, we need some help here.” Said Nye.
Together, Maddy and Frogbert swam either side of the raft steering it to the bank and to safety.
“Whew, that was a close call.” Said Morgy, “Let’s head back to Mama and Papa.
“Best plan all day.” Said Nye.
“Except for mine.” Bronny said.
“Yeah, right Bronz.” They chorused.
And where have you kids been, and why are you all wet?” Asked Mama Bee.
“Ermm, Ermm, there was this rain cloud following us wherever we went.” Bronny lied. “And it led us up the creek.”
“Without a paddle.” Morgy whispered to Nye.
“So, let’s get this straight Bronny, this cloud was following you and it also led you, did it?” Mama asked.
“Ermm, yeah, something like that, Mama.
Hmmm, I don’t know what I’m going to do with you lot.” Mama Bee sighed as she went to get the picnic basket.
“And how is Frogbert and Maddy these days?” Asked Papa Bunny.
“ They were fine as they helped us get out of the wat……….oops.” Said Nye.
“What was that, Wabbit?” asked Mama Bee.
“Oh, just something about water.” Replied Papa Bunny.
“You mean hot water which you are getting yourself into again, Wabbit.”
“You look lovely today darling.” Said Papa Bunny trying to divert the conversation .
“Nice try Wabbit. Though I believe you this time.” Mama said smiling.

THE END.

"Time for bed baby bunnies" Papa bunny said. " Awwwwwww" they all cried in unison,"do we have to?" "Mama Bee,do we have to?"
"Do as Papa tells you bunnies" admonished Mama. "Well can Papa tell us a story then please,please please?" they chorused." Well alright then,"
said Mama Bee, "Papa, tell them a story". Hmm, caught again by the ever clever Bee.
"Let's tuck you in then and we'll begin" said Papa Bunny. "Once upon a time and a half", "that's wrong Papa" said Morgy, the spokesbunny,
"Well not in my story" said Papa Bunny, "can I get on now?" "Go on, go on ,go on Papa" they squealed,except Rhys who only ever said the words "week week"
"Once upon a time and a bit there were five little bunnybees, two elder brothers, two younger brothers and an elder daughter". "Excuse moi
father dearest, I think you meant to say a beeeautiful princess with golden locks and a horse called Star", "Erm yes Princess that's what I meant to say"
"What were their names Papa?" they asked . "They are called Morgy, Princess Bronny, Nye, Rhys and Griff" said Papa,"as if you didn't know".
One fine summer’s day, the intrepid five were in the meadow playing combing Princess Bronny's golden locks when Morgy suddenly said
"I'm bored with this, what else can we play?" "I know" said Nye and he ran off to get a box of matches from his papa's draw.
"You're naughty and I'm telling" said Bronnie when Nye had returned. "I'm just going to make a barbecue like the grownups do" said Nye.
"Well, we could make one in Mrs. Hedgehogs strawberry patch at the bottom of her washing line, " suggested Morgy,"Out of Mama and Papa's sight"
Twenty minutes later the bunnies had collected enough wood and leaves to get them into the usual amount of trouble that the mischievous five
always seemed to get into. Nye, with a big grin struck the match and put it to the dry leaves. There was a whooshing sound as an up draught of wind
ignited the leaves and dry wood, and inevitably Mrs. Hedgehog's best Sunday dress which looked like a demented scarecrow doing, well, whatever demented scarecrows do.
The barbecue was now a roaring fire of about twelve foot high, the potatoes the bunnies had pinched from farmer Weasel's prize garden to be barbecued
were now abandoned, as the bunnies decided it was time to scarper back to their warren, leaving a trail of destruction in poor Mrs. Hedgehog's garden.
As the bunnies were hopping homeward over hedgerows and fields they heard an almighty shriek as Mrs. Hedgehog ran into her garden to see
where the smoke was coming from. mostly her best Sunday dress it would seem. "Yikes !" yelled Nye "Run away, run away !"
The bunnies now safely back in their warren were all shaking and blaming each other for their latest stupid idea when Mama Bee came out to
see what the commotion was all about. "And what are you kids up to?" Mama asked, " Errmm nothing Mama" Morgy said, trying to hide his blackened paws.
" Hmmm" said Mama bee, "I don't trust you lot, in you go and do your homework". Five minutes later there was a pounding on the little wooden door to the warren.
"Hello Mrs. Hedgehog", said Mama Bee, "And what can I do for you this fine day?" "This is not a fine day," stormed Mrs. hedgehog, obviously feeling a little prickly,
"Someone has set fire to my best Sunday dress and washing line, I suspect your bunnies had something to do with it" she wailed, waving a black piece of burnt cloth
around in the air.
"Children, come here at once" Mama cried, in her sternest voice. "Yes Mama" four of them said, Rhys replied "week week week", What do you know
about the fire in Mrs. hedgehog’s garden?" Mama asked, "erm erm erm nothing Mama" they replied. "So Morgy, why do you have black paws?" Mama asked
"I think they got sun burnt Mama" said Morgy, not being able to think of a decent excuse. "Rhys, what have you to say for yourself?" " week week weekety week"
Rhys said. "So it was you bunnies" Mama said. "Go and apologize to Mrs. Hedgehog and ask her what you can do to make up for her burnt dress" said Mama Bee.
The five bunnies, now shamefaced, said they were sorry to Mrs. Hedgehog, and that they would tidy her garden for a month. Mrs. Hedgehog suitably appeased
agreed, and left to say thank you to the meadow animals who helped put the fire out.
" That's a good story Papa" they cried, "Yes" said Papa bunny," and the moral to this story kids is, if you do something naughty and you get caught out,
wash your paws first,hee hee" Papa chuckled. "WABBIT," Mama Bee shouted through the door " I heard that".

THE END..(or is it?)

TALES OF THE BUNNIES.
Ten little bunny eyes popped open one hazy but bright morning in the meadow. Mama Bee had just finished making breakfast for the five bunnies, roast nuts and berries, yum, their favourite.
“Race you down!” yelled Morgy, scampering as fast as he could down the little wooden stairs. Hot on his tail was Bronny, who liked to be called Princess Bronny, followed by Rhys, affectionately known as week week, as that’s all he ever said, much to the annoyance of his Mama, and lastly Griff and Nye.
All sat around the wooden table with Mama and Papa all crunching noisily into their breakfast.
“What are you kids doing today?” asked Papa Bunny.
“Oh, we’ll think of something” replied Morgy, the usual spokesbunny.
“Do you think you can keep out of mischief for one day?” asked Mama Bee.
“Doubt it” chuckled Morgy quietly to his brothers and sister.
“Well try anyway”, said Papa Bunny.
Breakfast over with, paws washed, floppy ears and tails brushed, the intrepid five played hide and seek in the meadow. Bronny, tiring of this game said she wanted to play something that little girlie bunnies play.
“Let me guess,” said Nye, “How to pamper princesses, for dummies”.
“ Good choice Nye”, said Bronny,
“Yeah, right, I don’t think so, replied Nye, with a twinkle in his eye.
“I know”, said Griff , “ How about raiding Reggie the rat’s strawberry patch ?”
“ Yaaaeee!” they all chorused,
“Good plan”, said Morgy and Nye,

“ Week week ,“ said Rhys,
“Oh dear,” said Bronny, “Another bright idea…….not.”
“Aww come on Bronz, we’ll call you a princess all day tomorrow then.” Said Morgy.
“Well, what are we waiting for?” Said Bronny “Let’s go get ourselves some strawberries”.
Winding through the old oaks and beeches, under the hedgerows and through the long grass they hopped, until they came to the fence surrounding Reggie the rat’s part of the meadow. Just the other side of the fence were rows upon rows of juicy red strawberries, begging to be picked.
“Wow,” said Griff, “Good idea or what?”
“ Or what, probably,” said Bronny, with a wide grin.
“ Look out for Reggie’s guard cat, Sidney, guys ,” warned Morgy.
“Good plan,” they all agreed.
One by one they crawled under the fence and into the forbidden strawberry patch, filling their pockets, and eating as much as they could.
Suddenly, Sydney, a really grumpy cat appeared at the end of the row of strawberries.
“YIKES !” yelled Morgy, “Big moggie at the end of the patch. Run into that shed over there quickly !”
The five bunnies bound over to the shed, slammed the door shut and hid behind an old crate, shaking with fright at the sudden appearance of the cat. To make matters worse, they were feeling rather queasy from the unwashed strawberries.
“ What we gonna do Morgy?” they asked.
“I have an idea,” said Morgy, “Just do as I say.”
Two minutes later, little Rhys stuck his head around the shed door and poked his tongue out at the angry cat shouting “Week week weekety week !”
Meanwhile, the remaining four bunnies had climbed up to the window, crawled along the ledge, and down to a hosepipe, quickly turning it on and aiming squarely at the cat from behind. The cat yelped and shot down to the end of the garden in fright.
“RUN FOR YOU LIVES, GUYS !” Shouted Morgy, as they all legged it to the safety of the outside of the fence.
“ Piece of cake,” said Rhys.
“ Piece of stupidity you mean,” said Bronny, still shaking with fright.
“ Never seen a cat having such a hissy-fit,” said Nye, “Let’s go home”. To which they all agreed.
Back in the safety of the backyard in their meadow, they were recounting their adventures, and moaning about their tummies which were feeling decidedly achy and full, when Mama and Papa came out of the warren.
“Well kids,” said Mama, Where have you been, and what have you you scallies been up to?”
“Erm erm erm , oh, I know”, said Griff, “ We found these strawberries on the ground in the meadow.” He lied.
“Oh really?” said Mama Bee, “ You wouldn’t lie to your Mama, now would you?”
“ Us, naaaah, not a chance Mama.” Lied Griff.
“Hmm, well alright then”, said Mama, “Go and wash your paws, we have a real treat for tea, lots and lots of strawberries.
‘Oh no’, thought the bunnies, ‘not more strawberries, couldn’t look a strawberry in the stalk again’.
“Still easy to get under Reggie’s fence is it?” asked Papa.
“Yeah, not too diffi………Oops,” said Nye, caught out again.
“Well next time,” said Papa, “Bring me a nice lettuce.”
“PAPA !” Yelled Mama, “Don’t even think about it !”
“How does Mama always catch me out too ?” sighed Papa bunny.
THE END….

I've had a go at writing some kiddie's bunny stories which might amuse somebody out there. If anyone's interested I'll upload a couple....talk about "One man and his bunny",
Some men have teddy bears, may not admit to it, but hey, to each their own....I have a collection of around sixty bunnies, and yes, they're all named.....how sad is that? hee hee.
To think I'll be sixty next year going on seven. So come on guys, how many of you sleep with a teddy bear? go on admit it!!